As my due date approached I was anxiously googling and combing through Pinterest for ways to induce labor naturally because my doctor was so dead set on inducing me on May 16th for fear that my baby was too big causing more complications than I guess he wanted to deal with. I knew what an induction would lead to though, the one thing I feared more than anything, the one thing I said I would avoid at all costs, a C-section. I remember posting in one of the mom groups I was a part of, voicing my concerns and asking what had worked for everyone else that had gone past their due date and telling them what my doctor had told me. They all reassured me that my body wouldn’t make a baby that was too big for me to push out and that I shouldn’t worry I was young and my birth should go smoothly. After that, I convinced myself there was nothing to worry about, and the worrying is probably what was stopping the flow of Oxytocin that was supposed to kick start my labor.
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| The day before birth! |
Then at 1 AM on the morning of May 12th, 2015 I got up to use the restroom thinking that the pain that woke me up was probably just gas, I went back to lay down but sleep wouldn’t come. At 1:30AM the pain had returned, and then I remember the thought in my mind clear as day “THESE ARE CONTRACTIONS YOU’RE GOING INTO LABOR JUST REMEMBER TO BREATH!!!” I also remember the giant stupid smile that was on my face as I opened the app on my iPad to start timing my contractions. It might seem crazy but I was so happy to be feeling contractions, it meant that my baby was on the way! Maybe that’s how I managed the pain so well? I was actually happy and focused on the fact that I wouldn’t have to go into labor artificially, that I could do this on my own. I took deep breaths and after an hour of contractions I told my mom what was happening, she told me to wait to call the doctor when they were less than 5 minutes apart, but I already knew we’d be making a trip to the hospital today, I felt it in my bones. At about 3AM we called the hospital and they told us to go ahead and come in. At this point, my contractions were steady but still manageable with my deep breaths. I remember thinking if I can still walk around and talk to them then I haven’t felt anything yet and of course laughed at myself for thinking that.
I woke up Jeff and told him we had a baby coming. Of course, the first thing out of his drowsy mouth was “Are you sure?” I rolled my eyes and told him "YES!!" and to get ready because we were leaving soon. He got up and to me felt like he took the LONGEST shower in the history of showers! I was so frustrated because I wanted to go to the hospital already, and I was running around making sure I had everything I needed and of course it was raining outside making me more anxious.
With my mom, my sister, Jeff and I finally situated in the car we were finally off to the hospital. We got there at about 4:30 AM and as I was being wheeled up the elevator I remember being anxious and excited and also in pain. My contractions finally were so intense I had to close my eyes and focus on my breathing and I was 5 CM dilated. In my mind, the time between us getting there and me getting my epidural were all a blur. I remember I knew I didn’t need it yet but the nurse said the doctor was going to come in and break my water so it was now or never. I was in pain and my brain was a little foggy so I just nodded not really focused on why they would need to break my water. They said because it would make the labor move along faster. With the way my contractions were going I had expected to have a baby by 12.
The epidural was the most painful thing I’ve ever done voluntarily to myself, after that from the waist down I was numb and my face was so itchy and I was so cold on the inside. Glad that the pain was gone however I was finally realizing how tired I was. I closed my eyes and scratched my face until the doctor came in to break my water at about 9 AM. I didn’t feel anything, of course, I still couldn’t get over the fact that my face was itchy. I was about 7 CM dilated at this point. I think I took a nap after that I’m not sure. Well, it wasn’t really a nap it was more me closing my eyes and trying to ignore how damn itchy my face was. After that I can only remember the doctor coming in to check on me, he said I was 9CM dilated and he wanted me to start pushing. I don’t even know what time it was anymore because I was so tired I didn’t really care.
When I started pushing, I tried to let my body do it naturally but all I could think was how do women do this, I can’t feel my legs!! With my mom holding one leg and Jeff holding the other I was doing the best I could. I couldn’t breathe and the nurse said I had a fever; I wasn’t worried about myself I was just trying to get this child out of me! Then I got the hang of it and after about an hour and a half, the nurse said she could see the top of her head and it was full of black hair. I wanted to cry tears of joy, it was the push I needed to keep on pushing. The nurse would tell me when a big contraction would come and I would push off the oxygen mask take a deep breath and push as hard as I could. I pushed and pushed but she wasn’t coming out. After another hour came and went the doctor had left to his office in Pearland and came back. He told me the top of her head was swelling from hitting my pelvic bone so many times. Then he said "We're going to have to go the C-Section route." I was absolutely crushed.
The doctor left and then the nurse came in and explained the process but I wasn’t really listening to her because I knew what was going to happen, I couldn’t hold back the tears. I felt really bad for the nurse because I saw her eyes get teary too. She must have felt what I was feeling. I felt like such a failure, and I was worried for my baby. I didn’t want to hurt her and at this point, I knew she had been water for a long time. I also knew my fever was an indicator that she wasn’t doing too good. The nurse said she would let me labor down for a couple of minutes then they would prep me to go. She said with the intensity of the contractions I was having she was afraid that my uterus would explode. I nodded she turned me on my side so maybe the baby would move into a better position, she also told me to calm down and relax. She turned the lights off and asked everyone to leave the room so I could labor down.
How could I relax when I felt like I wasn’t doing anything right! When I felt like I was such a failure. The doctor said her head was too big, and in the back of my mind, I remember all those moms telling me my body wouldn’t make a baby that was too big for me. What was I doing wrong? Why couldn’t I just push her out? I didn’t want a C-section. I wanted to do this. I was so determined the whole 9 months to do everything "the right way", and I was so happy that I avoided the induction the would more than likely lead to a c-section but look where I ended up. Right back at the place, I didn’t want to be. I felt defeated. I was so crushed, I spent the 15 minutes I was supposed to be calming down just crying. I’m not one to cry in front of people, I absolutely hate it but I couldn’t help it everytime they tried to say something to me all I heard was my sobs. I had this overwhelming feeling of just failure.
A couple minutes later a group of nurses came in with another bed to prep me and take me away to another room where they would cut me open. Two sweet blonde nurses were talking to me and explaining what they were going to do. I just nodded, and couldn’t hold back another wave of tears. This caused both nurses to cry and try to tell me I did everything I could and tried to calm me down. For some reason that didn’t help me feel any better, but I gave them a small sad smile. I looked at the ceiling and continuing to feel defeated and numb all over my body not just from the waist down. I felt bad also because not only had I made 3 nurses cry, but my mom too. I remember Jeff hugging me and telling me it was alright and we needed to do whatever to get the baby out safe. My fever still hadn’t gone away and I felt like I was cooking from the inside out.
As they wheeled me out into the hallway, I saw another mom being wheeled out too, but with a baby in her hands. Nothing hurt me more than seeing her so happy holding her baby. I was jealous. She had the prize I was so desperately trying to get to. The prize I waited 9 months to see, and wanted out and safe and healthy. They got me onto the surgical table gave me more stuff to numb my body. I felt the cold liquid course through doing its job. When I heard the power tools turn on I was scared. Jeff still wasn’t in the room. I felt when they started to cut me. The screams I let out felt like they weren’t coming from me. I yelled "I CAN FEEL IT!!" The doctors behind the makeshift curtain said sorry and another one pumped me with more numbing medicine and even threw it onto where they were cutting. They turned the radio on and started singing which didn't make me feel confident or good about what they were doing. I remember hearing Bruno Mars when Jeff finally came in. I was numb but felt like I was freezing and boiling all at once.
It felt like years before I heard that beautiful cry that set my whole world back into place. She was finally here. My little Camila. The moment I saw her was bittersweet. She was wrapped in what felt like 20 blankets placed on my chest for 30 seconds then her and her dad were whisked away. My world was walking out of the door and I didn’t know where they were taking them or why.
I lay there alone while they put my organs back and glued me back together. I had never felt so alone. I drifted away into a place in my mind that replayed her cry over and over. A sign that she was breathing and her lungs worked. Once they were done they wheeled me into a recovery room where I had to wait an hour before I could see anyone. I was so tired and out of it that I remember Jeff coming to check on me with two black little footprints on his shirt, I told him to go with her so she wouldn’t be alone. I didn’t want my baby to be alone ever. As the hour ended they prepped to take me to my room where I would spend the longest 4 days of my life.
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| Post C-Section Recovery Room glamour ha-ha |
I spent the time after that worrying over the fact that I missed my golden hour. The hour after the baby had been born to bond and breastfeed. Breastfeeding for me was so important. I knew it was the best thing for her. I had also spent the majority of my pregnancy researching on how to breastfeed, that babies knew what to do on their own all I needed to do was let her find her way to her food and that it would be painful and the engorgement afterwards would be difficult but it was worth it to give your baby the best start possible. But I didn’t have my baby. She was on the fourth floor in the NICU. I was on the second floor, being pumped with pain medication and lying in bed hooked up to machines trying to recover. Not being able to move and go see my baby was pure agony. All I could see were pictures of my little baby in this bed encased where no one could touch her. It wasn’t fair. I had gone through all of this and I had only held my baby for 30 seconds. I admit I was jealous of Jeff the first couple of days because he had gone to see her and hold her several times but I was stuck on the bed. Yet I was grateful for him because at least she would know one of us right away, he was also there for me 100%. I fell in love with him all over again those 4 days. When I could manage to get off the bed for the first time he was there to walk me to the restroom. There was another barrier we had broken; he had me at my grossest point. Saw my cut, saw all the blood that had continued to come out of me, helped me put Ice packs in my underwear because I was still so swollen and still told me I was beautiful and that he was proud of me. He was also the hardest one on me to pump every two hours and would get so angry when I didn’t stay on it. He knew too what was best for the baby and when I would pump he would run it up to the fourth floor to our angel so she could eat.
When people would come to visit it honestly made me feel worse, I knew they were here to see our baby not me, yet I had no baby to show them. She was upstairs on the 4th floor, and only 4 people were allowed to see her at a time. I was stuck laying on the bed. It was awkward having so many people in the room, and being so tired and trying to get through awkward conversations that I just didn't have the energy to have. Thank God for Jeffrey, he was always better at talking to people than I was. When my mom was there she told them just to let me rest and turned on the TV. If it weren’t for all the drugs running through tubes hooked up to my arm I don’t know how I would have been able to sleep.
On the 3rd day the nurses gave me the OK to get wheeled up to the 4th floor with my IV pumping antibiotics and the epidural still in my back to go and see little Camila. The smile on my face was ridiculous. If I could have jumped for joy I’m pretty sure I would have. The nurse that was taking care of Camila in the NICU was the sweetest lady ever, which made me feel better that I couldn’t be with her.
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| You probably can't tell because I'm so swollen but I'm overwhelmed with joy! ~Post-Partum Beauty Amiright?~ |
Seeing all the other babies in there was heartbreaking most of them were premature and tiny, it made my heart cringe. I still didn’t know why my Camila was there, but that was the furthest thing from my mind because I was just concerned with holding my baby. After the OK we were there for every feeding, with what little that was coming out from my pumping. We had gone through 2 lactation nurses but Camila had already gotten used the instant flow of the bottle. I tried and tried, kept her on my skin hoping she would cooperate but I would eventually give in to her cries and give her her bottle. This ultimately got to me. I was so dead set on breastfeeding that it was just another thing I had failed at. Jeff would encourage me, and then get mad when he sensed I was giving up. He reminded me of all the things that I had told him throughout my pregnancy about breastfeeding when pumping was getting painful.
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| Jeff's Sleeping arrangements! |
A little later we had gotten a call with a very happy nurse telling us that we would have a baby in our room that night. I was over the moon with joy. I could finally hold her for real and put real clothes on her. She was finally off her IVs and all those monitors and free to come and sleep with us!! The next day we were told we were being cleared to go home on Friday afternoon. I was finally off all the machines and only taking pills to manage the pain. I was so excited and yet very nervous. How would I be able to move, the pills didn’t make the pain go away they just made me go to sleep, how was I going to take care of a new born if I'm asleep the whole day? It was just something I had to learn to manage through.
It wasn't until I told Jeff probably 3 weeks after we were home how I couldn't get over the fact that I felt like such a failure... The truth is though it wasn't my fault. For the sake of my daughters beautiful little head, and fear that we both had an infection that I went ahead with the C-Section. It wasn't until later that we re-watched the video of the C-section that one of the nurses took that she had used the restroom while she was without water. Things could have gone so much worse and I thank God every day that I was able to deliver a healthy baby girl.
My beautiful little princess had the most dramatic entrance to the world and now I get to enjoy her. I am so in love with her and I have never seen such a beautiful little thing. I savor every moment that I can. Taking picture after picture and I’m sure annoying everyone on my social media sites with pictures of her, but I don’t care she’s too beautiful not to!
Camila was born on May 12th, 2015
What are your birth stories? I'm anxious to read them in the comments below!
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